Arched Eyebrow:

it hurts to witness the change in my once strong, chatty, capable, out-going and slightly domineering ex mother-in-law. We became friends and she used to love me as her own. She is a silent shell of her old self and although still physically quite strong, all her personality, drive, life force etc has gone...She is docile and vacant, often confused and has to be guided by others and it's all so sad....and quite frightening. Where did she go?

I think so many people watching their loved ones deteriorate like this would say that sums up the situation quite well, unless they've got the opposite antagonistic, violent stage. (We have episodes of this with my Mum when ever we stray into 'needing looking after' territory.) So my Mother currently has a number of 'New Friends', most definitely not Carers. The firm is very understanding and do not turn up in their uniform, but normal clothes (with their identification hidden under their jumper/cardi etc.). Currently Mum is accepting, muttering under her breath, as opposed to being agressive with the. Long may it last.

Fortunately she doesn't like going out- lots of hyperventilation / clutching her chest / saying "Just leave her here,I can't go on!" type things 9typical anxiety apparently). But talking to the people at her clubs, she is fine when she gets there and all symptoms vanish. So we sort of 'bully her a little' (positive re-inforcement might be a better term I suppose) to get into the taxi. So her reclusiveness and dislike of the dark mean she is very safe where she is at the moment- though I've got a pot of black paint ready to paint in her small porch for if that behaviour starts. Apparently large black (or white sometimes) areas their brain often interprets as a deep hole, so they won't step into it.

Sorrim:

I'm having the same problems and have been posting on bereavement, which I have found very helpful although, strictly speaking, as mum is still alive, I'm not bereaved.

 Oh Manashee, so been there with your last statement! "I hate dementia!"but would add 'with a vengeance'!

Like you, my Mother has gone from feisty, independant and capable after my father's death (also 14 years ago yesterday) to an aimless woman with no initiative, who obviously can no longer make any sense of the world, apart from to 'lash out' in frustration.

Also like you this is the third time we've seen this as both her sister and sister-in-law succumb, holding on till 'end-stage' foetal position' unable to even support their own heads. Plus my father's maiden aunt, who'd helped bring him up . Which is why I  (and her too) find this so difficult- we know where it will all lead and like many Alzheimer's she is very fit- it will be 40 years ago this April she survived a heart attack and all the medical team remark how supple, mobile and healthy she is- just doesn't have the mental capacity to do anything with that health! I think of her as the 'EverReady Bunny', unable to wind down, just mechanically moving with no purpose and not going anywhere.

You obviously ahd no choice but to put her into Care- I know if my mother had to go into hospital, they'd probably insist she couldn't come home and care for herself, but I also know she'd hate that (it's been enough of a fight to get these 'friends' in) and yes like your mother, she is happy being in her own home and doesn't want to end up in a home like others she's seen.

Anyway perhaps this thread can give comfort, help and advice to others, just as the Bereavement thread has done.

I'm glad you started this thread, Lara. If I can be of any help to anyone who is in a similar situation, I'd be glad to offer support and advice as much as I can.

I would have been so grateful for this 4-5 years ago when I first suspected that something was wrong with mum, but didn't know what to do about it or where to go.

I actually first raised concerns with mum's GP in 2006, but was fobbed off with the usual 'oh she's got a virus, that's why she's a bit confused' nonesense. If I'd pushed harder, she might have had an earlier diagnosis and been prescribed medication that could have slowed down the progression of the disease.

It's been a bloody steep learning curve and I've been at my wits end on more than one occasion, I don't mind telling you. Luckily, I have some amazing friends and a more than amazing husband who have been the greatest support imaginable, so I count my lucky stars.