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Judgemental mothers

Last post 11/02/12 at 13:26 by coffeekid, 27 replies
Post started by jodidi on 05/02/12 at 16:42

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    Posted by: jodidi 05/02/2012 at 16:42
    Joined on 18/01/2011
    Posts 293

     On acouple of other parenting forums I use people are often called judgemental when they offer advice. Sometimes the posts sound quite judgy but most of the time they just sound like people offering advice that is not the normal "you do whatever you think is right". For example anyone who suggests that you should be following SIDS guidelines is automatically judgemental, or anyone who recommends waiting a bit longer before weaning a 6 week old baby is called judgemental.

    Do you think there are actually many mothers who are judging others? Or are most of them just like me and are not judging as I'm too busy taking care of my own kids?

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    Posted by: noeyedeer 05/02/2012 at 18:44
    Joined on 24/04/2006
    Posts 1,414
    Me. I judge. Mostly that others are doing a fair bit better than I am at this parenting lark.

    I will admit to hoiking my judgy pants up when the mother of an 8 week old said she thought that she'd better start weaning as her baby was waking up at night. Poor little chap couldn't even hold his own head up properly yet.

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    Posted by: beachhut 05/02/2012 at 18:51
    Joined on 31/05/2009
    Posts 861

    I judge too.  Not that I think I always get it right - not at all!  And I know others judge me on some things.  We all make the best decisions that we can for our kids under the circumstances that we find ourselves, combined with the people that we are and the life views / values that we have.  That means that we all do it differently.  I judge when parents don't intervene when their toddler is a little so and so at a playgroup, for example.  Toddlers are wired to have tantrums and struggle to share and push boundaries, and parents (in my view) are responsible for guiding them through this time and helping them learn how to handle the emotions and situations.  So when parents sit back and say 'it's just being a toddler' as their child smacks yours around and snatches toys from them I judge that parent.

    But bottle or breast? no judgement.  back to work or not? no judgement.  No judgement on many of the aspects of this tough job that is parenting that we're all finding a pathway through.

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    Posted by: RokensWife 05/02/2012 at 19:20
    Joined on 07/09/2011
    Posts 137
    I am shocked at the number of strangers (in the street and online) who think they can just ask whether I breast feed or not and then think they have the right to question why I don't breast feed! I actually enjoy making them feel uncomfortable by explaining how ill I was after birth!
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    Posted by: Astralabe 05/02/2012 at 19:37
    Joined on 31/08/2006
    Posts 1,903
    I think the first year is this whole load of 'am I doing this right' questioning then I've found once they hit a point where naps/feeds become less of the be all end all you just start ceasing to care or compare what others do because they diversify too much anyway. I think at the root of it all is modern mums must, MUST listen to instinct more.
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    Posted by: brettgirl2 05/02/2012 at 20:02
    Joined on 09/01/2005
    Posts 3,289
    I think avoiding most parenting forums is the way forward to avoid judginess. I judge - smoking/getting drunk/taking drugs while pregnant, diet coke in a bottle with big mac in push chair, dummies in 4 year olds playing, beating children, neglect but that's about it!
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    Posted by: hhhh 05/02/2012 at 20:15
    Joined on 18/05/2006
    Posts 570

     And the latest research says bottle fed ones better behaved!

    Nice to know that you are doing it wrong whichever way you do it.

    One of mine bottle, the other breast. Both pretty similar.

    Though I did combine feed at one point, what an evil woman! And one of them just snatched a toy from the other, that's my fault as that one was the breastfed one...

    Yes I think some people do judge. But doubt they are perfect either.

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    Posted by: hhhh 05/02/2012 at 20:19
    Joined on 18/05/2006
    Posts 570

     And yes I did sort it out when the toy snatching happened! As have also been 'told' off for being on forums when I could have been doing something useful.

    But you work, you're a neglectful selfish cow.

    You don't, you are lazy.

    You bottlefeed, you are risking your child's health and development.

    You breastfeed, you are risking your child's health and development.

    You use a dummy, you're lazy.

    You don't, you're unkind.

    And so on.

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    Posted by: jodidi 05/02/2012 at 20:22
    Joined on 18/01/2011
    Posts 293

     I'm glad you are all honest enough to admit you judge some things. I do too. It's human nature.

    What I object to really is being told I'm judgemental when all I'm doing is giving advice to someone who asked for it. If someone asks me what I think of controlled crying, I will tell them that I don't like it and would try other methods first, especially if baby is under 6 months. If someone asks me whether it's ok for them to put their week old baby into their own room I will tell them that the SIDS guidelines recommend babies should be in parents room til 6 months, and they should research the other risks to see if the risks are worth taking for their family. I try really hard not to write things in a judgemental manner, but seem to be accused of judging everything.

    The people who really infuriate me are the ones who say things like "oh, I thought that with my first but by the time you're on your forth you're a lot less anxious and judgy of others" Your forth baby isn't any less precious than you first is it? Why wouldn't you still follow safety guidelines?

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    Posted by: jodidi 05/02/2012 at 20:25
    Joined on 18/01/2011
    Posts 293

     I have to say I've never felt judged for any parenting choice I've made, even though I know others have different methods. Until recently. Noweveryone thinks theyhave the right to tell me it's time to stop breastfeeding my lo, as she's nearly 2 Surprised If I'm not asking for advice then I don't really want people's opinions.

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