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Been 3 months, but starting to hit

Last post 08/02/12 at 19:41 by Victoria Plum, 10 replies
Post started by dogcat on 07/02/12 at 21:18

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  • dogcat avatar
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    Posted by: dogcat 07/02/2012 at 21:18
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    Joined on 16/07/2007
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    Split up with my ex 3 months ago, I posted plenty on here about the reasons for it. The main ones being him just not sorting himself out as he said he would when I moved my life a yr ago to be with him (how stupid was I).

     I have had interest from other guys, and have occupied myself chatting to, and meeting a couple of internet dates. Both of which I have knocked on the head. Not my 1st break up, one of many relationships I have ended. The difference is I feel  really down about this one now, whereas notmally I am well on the road to recovery!

     I saw the ex at the weekend and it was so frustrating, we get on so well and he wants to get back together but he is still working in the family cafe and living at home despite being capable of so so so much more. He has hardly been out since the split and just goes to rugby training/games or stays at home reading, and he is still saying he wants to make changes, but hasn't done so 'at the moment'.

     I just want to shake him until he finds some way forward, but I know he will never change and it is really upsetting me that there is no way forward for us because of that. I know I made the right decision in ending it, but it just hurts so much now and it hasn't for ages. I have made more of an effort with the meet up group I joined, having lost a lot of home connections when I moved to try and avoid feeling isolated.

    At the minute I just feel alone, sad and frustrated.
  • Mrs Peel avatar
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    Posted by: Mrs Peel 07/02/2012 at 23:48
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    Oh dear - not sure what to say - but offering hugs.

     

    My own experience:

    When I split with psycho-b**ch around 15 years ago my dad (of all people!) had a great piece of advice - to be surgical about the split - cut off all contact completely.

    It was hard and I had a long time feeling guilty, but it was the best advice I think I've ever taken.

    I had opportunities to see her and keep in contact for a while but managed to resist.

    It was all rather tricky for a while - and I felt awful and worried about her (even tho she really was a PB) but after a while that faded as I got my own life on the track I wanted it to be on without having to worry about what she was doing.

    It was hard

    But I know now that she's settled and OK too (thru third parties) 

     

    Perservere with staying away

    Remember why it was important that you split.

    Even tho there may be some feeling still there - concern and wondering if he's ok - maybe even a bit of love - stick with the split.

     

    Who knows?

    In time - he may get sorted and be ready for a proper sharing grown-up realtionship with you.

    And then again maybe not.

    Be good to yourself and try to stay away.

     

    Em
  • chicabonita avatar
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    Posted by: chicabonita 08/02/2012 at 12:50
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    dogcat:
    it was so frustrating, we get on so well and he wants to get back together but he is still working in the family cafe and living at home despite being capable of so so so much more.

    He must be happy like this. Otherwise, if he wanted you back and he knew what you wanted him to do, to get back together, he would do that. (Why was it that you don't want him to work in the family cafe?)

    dogcat:
    he is still saying he wants to make changes, but hasn't done so 'at the moment'.

    He doesn't want to, but he doesn't want to tell you that.

    dogcat:
    At the minute I just feel alone, sad and frustrated

    ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
    It will pass, as long as you're confident in your decision. You're probably doing the right things by going out to meet-up groups and some casual dates- keep doing that, and be nice to yourself. If you can't go out with mates, do something else that's for you, whether it's shopping, cooking, having a massage or a haircut... Visit some places that interest you. Write a blog!
  • dogcat avatar
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    Posted by: dogcat 08/02/2012 at 13:35
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    Thanks guys, as for the cafe thing I told him repeatedly if he was happy there then fair enough, he was offered a share of the business by his grandma and refused it, saying he did not want to stay there.

    I agree that if he wanted me back he would make some changes, or at least attempt to. He does not even have a CV written! Trying to keep myself occupied as much as I can, not sure if the casual dating is helping or hindering at the moment.

    I know no contact is the way forward and so will try to stick to it! Sometimes wish I had never moved up here.
  • Maenoferren avatar
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    Posted by: Maenoferren 08/02/2012 at 15:05
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    More Hugs and pretty much agree with Mrs Peel - its never easy, but chin up and hang in there
  • bnm avatar
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    Posted by: bnm 08/02/2012 at 17:49
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    I followed some of your previous threads and seems clear that, although you and your ex got on well together and liked each other, you have/had completely different views on values/money/life priorities.

    I struggled to understand your values, but that's irrelevant.

    You split because you did not share the same values.

    You decided it was not possible to continue your relationship because of this difference. Nothing about that situation has changed, has it?

    Keep trying to work on the isolation.
  • lurk_much avatar
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    Posted by: lurk_much 08/02/2012 at 17:58
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    Joined on 05/07/2008
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    dogcat:
    have occupied myself chatting to, and meeting a couple of internet dates. Both of which I have knocked on the head.
     

    Bloody hell I had heard it was dangerous,

    you are very upfront about your killings.

  • coffeekid avatar
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    Posted by: coffeekid 08/02/2012 at 18:16
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    Joined on 25/04/2006
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    :-D
  • Victoria Plum avatar
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    Posted by: Victoria Plum 08/02/2012 at 19:25
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    (((dogcat))) Keep your chin up love!! Be strong and break all contact if you can - I can speak from experience, it's the best thing to do! VP xxx
  • sparkleghirl avatar
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    Posted by: sparkleghirl 08/02/2012 at 19:37
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    Joined on 04/08/2005
    Posts 822
    Three months isn't long. Don't rush it.
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