Maths Jokes

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Maths Jokes

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debecca
Member since 18-2-2003

The jokes thread has got me thinking about all the terrible maths jokes I know. I'll post them here (sorry, most of them are AWFUL) - does anyone else know any others?

Q. What's the integral of 1/cabin d(cabin)?
A. Log cabin by the sea.

Q. Two cats on a roof. Which one fell off first?
A. The one with the smallest mew.

Q. What do you get if you cross an orange and a banana?
A. Mod orange mod banana sin theta.

Q. What do you get if you cross a mountain with the bloke trying to climb it?
A. You can't cross them; the mountain climber's a scalar.

Q. What's purple and commutative?
A. An abelian grape.

Yes, told you they were awful. Sorry.

Becca xx

Posted 6-3-2003 13:14

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coffee-breff
Member since 26-4-2002

Noah's Ark lands after The Flood and Noah releases all the animals, saying, "Go forth and multiply." Several months pass and Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" asks Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there," say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass and Noah checks up on the snakes again. He sees lots of little snakes; everybody is happy. Noah says, "So tell me how the trees helped." "Certainly," reply the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."

Posted 6-3-2003 15:46

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coffee-breff
Member since 26-4-2002

Two male mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.

She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?
He repeats "one third x cubed".
Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...".

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?".
The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!"

Posted 6-3-2003 15:48

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markuss
Member since 13-7-2002

American Indian tribe. Chief has three wives. Also has very expensive hippopotamus skin - luxury item on which he excercises conjugal rites and rights with best wife. Other two wives sleep on immaterial material. All in same teepee, side by side.

In course of time wife one bears chief a child, wife two bears twins, but favourite wife produces triplets.

Yes the squaw on the hippopotamus equals the sum of the squaws on the two adjacent hides.

(From an English teacher.)

Posted 6-3-2003 23:33

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coffee-breff
Member since 26-4-2002

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

There are three kinds of people in the world; those who can count and those who can't.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary math, and those who don't.

"The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."

Q: how many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards?
A: I can subtract it as many times as I want, and it leaves 76 every time.

Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
A: Because he left a residue at every pole.

Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?
A: Probably....

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.

Math and Alcohol don't mix, so... PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE

Q: Why didn't Newton discover group theory?
A: Because he wasn't Abel.

How do you prove in three steps that a sheet of paper is a lazy dog?
1. A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
2. An inclined plane is a slope up.
3. A slow pup is a lazy dog.

A geometer went to the beach to catch the rays and became a TanGent.

Q. How many mathematicians does it take to replace a light bulb?

A. Ten: One to do it and eight to watch.

Posted 7-3-2003 8:36

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Shifter
Member since 7-3-2003

In a bar there were three people: a mathematician, a statistician and an accountant. They were each asked in turn, "what is 2 + 2?" The matematician of course replies '4'The Statistician answered 'it depends on the amount of people you ask, taking into account variables, but more or less the answer is 4.' The accountant immediately closes all the blinds, shuts the doors and dims the lights before asking 'what would you like it to add up to?'

Posted 7-3-2003 16:01

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ian60
Member since 14-11-2002

This isn't a joke, but it summed up what made maths funny to a me and a mate of mine during our PGCE (a long time ago)

His Analysis lecturer arrived at the hall and proceeded to demonstrate an eloborate proof on the board. Between two lines he wrote the 'trivial' justification.

He then pondered... left the lecture hall and wasn't to be seen for three days. he then appeared as he was timetabled, and continued the proof muttering that it was indeed 'trivial'

That's my sort of maths lecturer!

Posted 7-3-2003 16:14

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Jamie S.
Member since 10-4-2002

Whilst we're briefly on the subject of 'non-jokes', guess how 3 of my Year 13s working together decided to solve x^2 - 1 = 0 today? Yep, a=1, b=0, c=-1...
Yours, in tears
Jamie

Posted 7-3-2003 17:04

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deleted101
Member since 31-1-2003

My year 13 further maths group loved all the jokes in 1 and 2. They wish me to point out that the two cats on a roof has to be two cows on a roof where they come from! Ah pronunciation!!

Posted 7-3-2003 19:00

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Shemma
Member since 6-2-2003

I have to say I completely don't get the cats joke. Could anyone explain?

Yours, in stupidity

Posted 10-3-2003 16:31

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Shemma
Member since 6-2-2003

A joke and a story that I found amusing...

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
to the earlier joke.

Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
the smaller prime numbers.

2: The Odd Prime --
It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
3: The True Prime --
Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
31: The Arbitrary Prime --
Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
at all.

Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.

Posted 10-3-2003 16:35

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spp66
Member since 10-3-2003

Q: What did the zero say to the eight?
A: Nice belt.

Posted 10-3-2003 17:42

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ebbwboy
Member since 24-11-2001

sp666 you have obviously missed the point of maths jokes because

(a) I could understand yours
(b) It made me laugh

Posted 10-3-2003 17:51

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petekeeffe
Member since 31-10-2000

Bit dry and from Hardy I think:
"I am a mathematician therefore no solution exists for which I cannot find a problem".

Posted 12-3-2003 23:10

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coffee-breff
Member since 26-4-2002

97.3% of all statistics are made up.

Posted 13-3-2003 18:38

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ian60
Member since 14-11-2002

Can you be sure about that?

Posted 13-3-2003 20:22

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harrumph
Member since 16-4-2003

Just in case anyone else returns to this link ever, the 'cat joke' is a play on the greek letter mu, pronounced mew, which is the coefficient of friction.

Posted 10-6-2003 15:00

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fortytwo
Member since 1-12-2002

Continuing with the statistics theme...

Statistics is like a bikini, what it reveals is interesting, but what it conceals is crucial.

Posted 10-6-2003 17:00

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charlie2
Member since 17-8-2002

Don't know how I ended up here this morning but shemma, I do hope you have not been worrying about this since March. What a mean lot.

It is to do with

Limiting Friction = mu x Normal reaction

Posted 26-10-2003 12:19

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anon17
Member since 14-10-2003

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative
merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife
and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health.

The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so
that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress
thinks you're with your wife --- you can do some mathematics.

A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive
government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them
to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on
board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board.
Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of
the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he
would try to fly the aircraft.

He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be
pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!!
Hurry!!!!!!"

The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
pole in a complex plane."

Posted 26-10-2003 17:14

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